drunkity drunk drunk....
last night in florida.
already the break seems to be whizzing by.
using up beers... cause otherwise where would they go?
so on my 6th drink tonight.
prep for new years as mom called it?
very difficult to type right now.
hahahaha
going back to nj tomorrow
new years in nyc
then to sf for awhile
then disneyland
then la
then nh
then back to school
where is break?? hahahaha
ahhh
second semester senior?
what the f?
wowwwww.....
where is my life going?
growing up so fast
where are my bifocals
and straight bangs
and awkward naivety?
now i'm still awkward.. but my bangs are grown out. and my glasses are stored away somewhere...
and instead i sit here drunk in my room in key west. wtf.
life continues
and still nothing makes sense
but i'm living....
and i guess that's what matters....
right?
well who cares? why the need for validation? it's ok.
life goes on. and i'm living. period.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Time to bring this back.
Wow, I really grew out of the habit of signing this thing... but I want to start again. Somehow it almost makes me feel saner to unload a little bit of my mind into open space... so my brain feels a little less overwhelmed and weighed down.
I was just thinking about Roma today, as I wrote to an old comrade from there.
Here's an excerpt from my email:
"I miss Roma a lot from time to time, especially when it hits me that I'm really not going to wake up, and realize that I actually never left Roma. (That coming back to the US was a dream...) Also sometimes I feel like Roma itself was a dream... did we really live there for awhile?? But then I think about specific memories and realize it was real-- it just feels like a long time ago. A world ago and farrr away. But I honestly feel like I can still taste the wine, and the pizza from the place near school, and the fresh mozzarella and pesto and tomato panino I used to get from the sandwich place. Ahh. And sometimes I'll test myself to imagine how I would get from Termini to my apartment, just so I can make sure I retain some memory of Roma... even though I know that each day I'm not there, my memories are fading, and I worry that I'll lose my ability to speak Italian completely. Ah. I need to go back soon!!!"
Crazy how it's been SIX MONTHS since I was in Rome. Man, time flies.
Right now I'm chilling in Florida, lying on a comfy bed in my room in our 2 bedroom unit in Key West. The power was out earlier, but now it's back on, so I'm enjoying cruising the internet and catching up on old emails. I've spent the last couple days sleeping in, sleeping, eating delicious dinners, and getting back into MTV. I still have yet to actually go swimming and get tan. I sat by the pool reading for awhile today, but since I got down there after most people, the chairs that received the sun were taken. But it was all good...gotta ease myself into it. I burn really easily, anyway, so it's nice just lying outside in general, in this 80 degree heat, being able to escape the chill of NJ's winter. Yes!
This semester in general was crazy... so it's sooo amazing to have a break. I used to tell myself that it would be nice to just have an easy finals week and come home... but actually, this is the first break I feel like I realllly deserve after all the hell I put up with this semester. It was filled with piles of readings and papers... but the true culmination was finals week. I think that it makes sense, since my classes were so challenging... but it was definitely the big boom at the end of the semester. I finished the week and realized I'd written 52 pages in 6 days. Craziness. I feel really accomplished, though, and like I can get through anything now!!! And next semester, I'll have about that many pages due for my thesis, or 20 or so more.. but I'll have the whole freaking semester to work on it... AND I'll only be actually taking 1 or 2 classes, so finals should be a breeze. I can't wait.
I can't believe I'm going to be a second semester senior. What the-? To look at myself, who I am right now, and who I was when I stepped onto Barclay 1st South as a freshman, it's amazing to see the difference. But sometimes I wonder really how much I've changed, or how much I've changed so that other people can tell. I feel really different, but is it like when I have a pimple that seems enormous but noone can see it except for me? I like to think that I've matured and I'm less idealistic and just more aware of the world around me (and not around me) but can others see this, too? I guess after 3.5 years in college, and a few months abroad, this is the kind of change that others MUST see... but in the end, does it really matter? That's one thing I'm really learning- why should I care if anyone notices a change in me?! The point is that I feel changed. That's what counts. I'm learning right now to take care of myself and really think about what I want and need in life... and it feels good, but strange. I have relapses where I find myself wanting to take responsibility for things that are not mine to take responsibility of-- stupid stuff like the fact that my brother was told he wasn't having the bedroom on our vacation cause I signed up first... and then he got mad, and I felt bad. Why did I feel bad? I had nothing to do with it. But I felt responsible for him not being comfortable- like I should give up my pre-arranged bed to make him feel better... and now I think I am going to switch off with him, cause I try to be nice like that... but in general, just learning to turn situations around-- to think about myself and not always worry about what I did... sometimes it's not my fault. Sometimes I can't take care of someone or something. Novel idea, huh? And I mean, there has to be a balance and I'm figuring that out. Baby steps.
But it feels good!! :)
So after Florida, I'm heading to San Francisco to visit old friends from high school... then going to Disneyland (my tradition with Lauren) and finally to LA to see Megan!! I can't wait.
For now, I'm going to keep relaxing on my bed in Florida. Glorious.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!!
Till later,
Anna :)
I was just thinking about Roma today, as I wrote to an old comrade from there.
Here's an excerpt from my email:
"I miss Roma a lot from time to time, especially when it hits me that I'm really not going to wake up, and realize that I actually never left Roma. (That coming back to the US was a dream...) Also sometimes I feel like Roma itself was a dream... did we really live there for awhile?? But then I think about specific memories and realize it was real-- it just feels like a long time ago. A world ago and farrr away. But I honestly feel like I can still taste the wine, and the pizza from the place near school, and the fresh mozzarella and pesto and tomato panino I used to get from the sandwich place. Ahh. And sometimes I'll test myself to imagine how I would get from Termini to my apartment, just so I can make sure I retain some memory of Roma... even though I know that each day I'm not there, my memories are fading, and I worry that I'll lose my ability to speak Italian completely. Ah. I need to go back soon!!!"
Crazy how it's been SIX MONTHS since I was in Rome. Man, time flies.
Right now I'm chilling in Florida, lying on a comfy bed in my room in our 2 bedroom unit in Key West. The power was out earlier, but now it's back on, so I'm enjoying cruising the internet and catching up on old emails. I've spent the last couple days sleeping in, sleeping, eating delicious dinners, and getting back into MTV. I still have yet to actually go swimming and get tan. I sat by the pool reading for awhile today, but since I got down there after most people, the chairs that received the sun were taken. But it was all good...gotta ease myself into it. I burn really easily, anyway, so it's nice just lying outside in general, in this 80 degree heat, being able to escape the chill of NJ's winter. Yes!
This semester in general was crazy... so it's sooo amazing to have a break. I used to tell myself that it would be nice to just have an easy finals week and come home... but actually, this is the first break I feel like I realllly deserve after all the hell I put up with this semester. It was filled with piles of readings and papers... but the true culmination was finals week. I think that it makes sense, since my classes were so challenging... but it was definitely the big boom at the end of the semester. I finished the week and realized I'd written 52 pages in 6 days. Craziness. I feel really accomplished, though, and like I can get through anything now!!! And next semester, I'll have about that many pages due for my thesis, or 20 or so more.. but I'll have the whole freaking semester to work on it... AND I'll only be actually taking 1 or 2 classes, so finals should be a breeze. I can't wait.
I can't believe I'm going to be a second semester senior. What the-? To look at myself, who I am right now, and who I was when I stepped onto Barclay 1st South as a freshman, it's amazing to see the difference. But sometimes I wonder really how much I've changed, or how much I've changed so that other people can tell. I feel really different, but is it like when I have a pimple that seems enormous but noone can see it except for me? I like to think that I've matured and I'm less idealistic and just more aware of the world around me (and not around me) but can others see this, too? I guess after 3.5 years in college, and a few months abroad, this is the kind of change that others MUST see... but in the end, does it really matter? That's one thing I'm really learning- why should I care if anyone notices a change in me?! The point is that I feel changed. That's what counts. I'm learning right now to take care of myself and really think about what I want and need in life... and it feels good, but strange. I have relapses where I find myself wanting to take responsibility for things that are not mine to take responsibility of-- stupid stuff like the fact that my brother was told he wasn't having the bedroom on our vacation cause I signed up first... and then he got mad, and I felt bad. Why did I feel bad? I had nothing to do with it. But I felt responsible for him not being comfortable- like I should give up my pre-arranged bed to make him feel better... and now I think I am going to switch off with him, cause I try to be nice like that... but in general, just learning to turn situations around-- to think about myself and not always worry about what I did... sometimes it's not my fault. Sometimes I can't take care of someone or something. Novel idea, huh? And I mean, there has to be a balance and I'm figuring that out. Baby steps.
But it feels good!! :)
So after Florida, I'm heading to San Francisco to visit old friends from high school... then going to Disneyland (my tradition with Lauren) and finally to LA to see Megan!! I can't wait.
For now, I'm going to keep relaxing on my bed in Florida. Glorious.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!!
Till later,
Anna :)
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