Closure...thoughts...summer...graduation..ah!

I'm realizing more and more how essential writing is to my life. Last night I attended my mom's writing group. A group of 4 middle-aged women and I sat around in our living room doing writing prompts and discussing them. It's really cool how writing can tap into emotional recesses that people might not otherwise be able to/want to access...and really facilitate conversations about these thoughts/worries, etc. It gives me hope that as life goes on, I can continue to surround myself with groups of empowering women where we can write or talk about emotional worries and concerns...or even both!

After being on the frisbee team and doing women's group all year, I've been feeling anxious about how to create these sorts of strong-female spaces for next year...and this gives me hope. I want to create healthy, strong-female spaces for me in Philly and beyond. And I hope that when I'm in my 50s, I too have a group of women I can gather with weekly...and drink wine and Martinelli's and write with and chat with. Oh the glory of being home.

Ah, it's so nice to have a break FINALLY from schoolwork and academia. I'm sure I'm going to miss it all in the fall when I jealously watch as my underclassmen friends return to Haverford and I'm caught up in the world of social work. I can even imagine myself looking at old readings and analyzing text, just to do it. I have a weird appreciation for writing essays. I also worry that I'm going to lost my skills. What will I do in a few years when I want to return to school and I can't write anymore? That's why blogging will become increasingly important. This is a way to keep my writing voice alive! haha.

But for right now, it's nice to take a deep breath. To soak in the glory of all that TV I didn't have time to watch. To choose to not leave my house for the day. To know that I have days to completely unpack..that there's no rush. To cook my own meals. To walk the dog. To GO RUNNING with no wrap on!! Ah, today was the first day I tried really running at all, wrap or no wrap, in MONTHS. I think I was secretly too scared to try running, for fear of realizing that my hip was permanently injured. But nope. I functioned fine. I was a bit tired and out of breath, but that merely due to my lack of being in shape...something I can fix. :) It was so glorious to feel the wind as I ran, my favorite music blasting in my ipod, my legs pumping down Glen Ave., the cars brushing past and the fresh air and green trees surrounding me. NJ is actually really pretty in some places...and I'm grateful to live in a town with lots of greenery and prettiness. People don't give Joy-sey enough credit.

And one thing that makes me so happy is my family's obsession with this bird and her nest. She's nestled it right in the ivy. It's at eye level when you walk through the back gate (the one we always use), so you get to face her and her little hatchlings every time you walk through. They have feathers now, and look ready to fly. My dad exclaimed at graduation, "They've hatched!" I asked him what he was talking about and he gave me some swift response about a bird. It wasn't until I came home on Monday, when I was about to walk through the gate, that I understood. My mom cautioned me-- "Be careful, honey... try to open the gate as gently as possible..we're trying not to disturb the bird and her nest..." I prodded open the gate, and there was the bird, nesting, at eye level. Amazing. It's so cool to be plopped out of my crazy college world into a simpler way of looking at life...where the focal point of conversation can be about this bird. I am forced to take a step outside of my own existence and acknowledge and appreciate the beauty of this bird and her family. It's wonderful. Dillard would be proud. I love how much my parents care about her, too, and wanting to make sure she's okay. At least once a day my mom will comment on how big the birds are getting-- "They have feathers! They should be flying soon" She'll also murmur concerns-- "Oh, I hope they make it...they're so close to the ground." I hope they do, too...but I'm glad that for right now, we can coexist...sharing the same area...their presence reminding about the importance of appreciating the life around us, and stepping outside of my own self consciousness to get in touch with nature, and the beauty of all things outside of my own human existence.

Oh yeah...and I graduated. College is done. Pretty incredible. Don't really know how to make that one sink in. I finally really cried about it on Monday afternoon, as I drove home. It just hit me, suddenly, as I drove down the Garden State Parkway. Tears streamed down my face as I attempted to not veer off the road, my car already fully-packed so creating strong obstruction of vision and lots of blind spots. I must've looked crazy. A packed car with a bawling girl in front, attempting not to crash. Quite the sight. I'm glad I finally cried about it, though...I was wondering when it would hit. It still hasn't fully hit. And before this point, it had begun to hit in little bits...starting with the sneetch picnic, then the religion picnic, even listening to my ipod as we returned from six flags...little tear-up moments, sentimental good-byes. I think it's almost that it's sooo much to take in-- the reality of saying good-bye to so many people and memories, etc, that my body just became sort of numb in some ways... like I felt the sentiment of everything, but I just couldn't fully take it all in, completely. Maybe I was scared that it would just all come bursting out and I wouldn't be able to stop. Or maybe I just didn't have time to fully feel everything-- everything happening too fast to stop and feel it. That might explain the car moment. It was the first time where I had space from everything and could begin to feel it all. And so there I was, crying on the Garden State Parkway. But at least I was feeling it. Or starting to.

As for the last week...I've been watching way too much TV. It's so addictive. Lost and Gossip Girl are officially my favorite shows. I love that you can watch online shows. Ahhh. But oh, it's so bad. I'll snuggle up on my bed for hours...and maybe take a break to eat a snack..and then hop back into tv mode for another few hours. Since each episode is 45 min., those episodes can eat up a day pretty quickly. It's funny to bounce back and forth between the two shows since they are so different. Besides that, I think I officially left my house last on Tuesday...to see my cousins. That was really fun. A trek to NYC for some good Chinese and Thai food, and some good catch-up with the cousins. Then back to tv world for the last few days, with the exception of good, writing group, and running. Tomorrow I'm seeing Spring Awakening with my mom, and I'm super excited cause I know a lot of the soundtrack, and I've heard the show is amazing...but I've never seen it. Yay!!!

OK well I should go... this is getting long enough. I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to bed, cause I think I'll do that, but first I want to read. So time to read!!

Love and snuggles from NJ,
Anna